One of the hardest things about marriage (for me) is realizing and accepting that your spouse can have a completely different opinion about something…and it’s okay. It’s easy to agree- you feel connected to the person because you share similar viewpoints. It’s also fun sometimes to disagree- it sparks interesting and lively conversation. But when you disagree about something you’re passionate about, it can be infuriating and really difficult to step back and think, ‘Okay, he has his opinion. It’s not wrong. It doesn’t make him a bad person. It’s just different than mine.’
Surprise! This happens with kids, too. You are dying for her to wear the new dress you bought her for school pictures. She wants to wear an old t-shirt. You know he’d just love t-ball if he’d give it a chance, but he’s deadset on soccer.
 |
| source |
So what do you do? You want to let her have choices, but you also want to maintain your role as the parent and leader. Here’s something I learned from a (genius) mom friend: be flexible. Let her wear the old t-shirt. Let him try soccer. Be flexible. It can be so hard but I promise it will be worth it.
Try it like this: “You know what? I can be flexible about what you wear for your school pictures. You pick what you want to wear. I will need to comb your hair and brush your teeth really well the morning of pictures, though.” This allows your child to practice independence while also setting boundaries on the non-negotiables.
I suggest using the words ‘I can be flexible about that’ when employing this strategy. I have a feeling you will eventually A. Hear your little one telling you that he can ‘be flexible’ about something and B. Hear your little one say, ‘Mommy, can you just be flexible about bedtime/having candy for breakfast/watching tv all day?’
Why be flexible?
- It shows your child that you respect him and that his opinion matters
- It is a great example of having an open-mind and compromising
- It allows your child to feel a sense of accomplishment
- It helps your child learn to be independent
- It teaches your child (by example) to respect other’s opinions
- It helps you to slow down and take in all the options
**UPDATE: BalancingMama (thank you!) made a GREAT point in her comment. Which reminded me of this: If you are flexible with your child on smaller issues (what to wear, what to eat, etc.) she will likely be more accepting when you 'put your foot down' on a more serious issue (safety, bedtime) because she knows that you will say yes when you can.
Did you try it? It will take several times to kick in/be effective. Give it a week, then let me know how it’s working!
8 comments:
I swear you are watching me. Flexibility is not my strength. (Neither is patience for that matter... and I have a kid!?!?) But I do try to agree with her when I can. If I say no and I don't really feel strongly about it, I find that I give in to the crying/whining more often - which teaches her that crying/whining works. So I try to limit my "nos" to when I can truly stand firm - regardless of her reaction.
LOVE this idea, and love the picture of the slinky to go along side it. It's about COMPROMISE. You are not a child's dictator! If you try to be, you'll lose a relationship with them and you'll fault them the ability to learn how to start making decisions of their own.
<3 I totally agree...I'm a really go with the flow kind of Momma and find it comes pretty naturally to be really flexible with her on a lot of things...now if I could just do the same when my husband has differing opinions... ;)
Hmmm...this is very interesting. My daugher used to upset me by wanting to wear her black t-shirt, always. I'm able to be flexible, but not all the time. We are at the point now though, that I don't give her any flax about that black t-shirt, but when we go someplace special she knows that wearing something different is appropriate and she's ok with that now. But you have reminded me that I need to work on my flexibliity, it's not always a strength of mine. Thanks for that. :)
I have a 13, 11, and 7 year old and can attest that this is so true and helpful. I've always said that I'm a strict mom, but a fair mom. I try not to make rules just to have rules, and if something doesn't make sense we don't do it. I learned long ago that my daughter had a very "interesting" fashion sense... and I've embraced it because it's totally her. And, who knows, maybe she'll grow up to be an amazing designer!
Great points Julie and Cristy! I completely agree.
Heather- hahah! I think lots of women struggle with that :)
Lori- that's too funny about the black t-shirt. My sister used to wear the same dress everyday and would even hide it under her bed so that my parents couldn't find it and wash it!
Sugar Mama- what a great attitude! Maybe she'll be on Project Runway!!
My son is all grown up now, but he had issues with being in special ed all through school. So he NEEDED a flexible parent. If you treat them like they are people.......that is what they become. Making choices that sometimes a parent does not agree with, but if it doesn't harm them, is it really so bad? I found that many times later, he'd come back to me and say he wish he hadn't chosen that.
I just love the point you made, Katlupe- if you treat them like people, that's what they become. Simple and so so true.
Post a Comment